Wonderwall
by Snow Cover
Summary: In order to prevent more damage from occurring as a result of Hijikata and Okita’s fights, Kondo handcuffs his two subordinates together. During this punishment, Hijikata realizes that Sougo is not just a sadistic assassin. HijiSougo
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama, Death Note, or any anime. I am simply writing a fanfiction.

Title: Wonderwall

Summary: In order to prevent more damage from occurring as a result of Hijikata and Okita's fights, Kondo handcuffs his two subordinates together. During this punishment, Hijikata's perception of Sougo is significantly altered.

Note: If you have read "Torture Days," this is the same story, but it's narrated by Hijikata.

Rating: T

Pairing: Hijikata x Okita Yes, this is a shounen-ai story.

Chapter 1

The thoughts of BL fan-girls are contagious.

There are innumerable characteristics that I loathe about my personal assassin, Okita Sougo, but these are the traits that I despise about him the most:

1. He's my personal assassin. No, that doesn't mean he assassinates anyone _for_ me. It means that he usually plans to assassinate _me_. To murder me is his routine, his goal, his most important mission in life.

2. He's a sadist. Even if his victims are already battered and almost unconscious, he will continue to mercilessly play ping-pong with their poor bodies. Isn't he so playful? Also, let's not forget that he tortures everyone, whether through taunts or complex schemes.

3. He's an idiot. How can he not find the taste of mayonnaise immensely succulent?

4. He's treacherous. DO I NEED TO REPEAT THE ITOU ARC FOR YOU? Oh wait, I should have considered the readers who have not seen this arc yet. Well, Sougo had the audacity to aid Kamotarou Itou, the Shinsengumi's advisor who wanted to get rid of me, because as usual, the sadist wanted to get the position of vice commander. However, Sougo did not expect that Itou was planning to kill Kondo and take over the Shinsengumi, so he eventually killed everyone who sided with Itou. So maybe Sougo is not so treacherous when it comes to saving Kondo and the Shinsengumi, but he's definitely willing to betray me. What kind of cold-hearted bastard would want to murder his own friend anyway? Only a sadist, only a Sougo.

5. He has the ability to seem so innocent when he wants to dissuade people from suspecting him. That's why he almost never receives the blame for anything, including the countless damages he has inflicted upon everywhere in Edo after failing to assassinate me with his bazooka. I blame those huge oh-look-I'm-so-moe eyes. Those eyes mislead everyone.

I would like to expand more about Sougo's aggravating personality, but I've just heard a rocket launcher's beeps, which means that Sougo's attribute #1 has been activated again.

"Oi, Sougo, just what are you up to now? It's too early in the morning for a ruckus and I needed that vending machine to get a granola bar for my mayonnaise." I'm attempting to maintain an unruffled composure, although my head is already pounding with irritation.

"I only wanted to open the vending machine for Hijikata-san since it seemed that he could not find any yen," Sougo replies, calmly scratching his head as if launching his bazooka at me everyday is just like eating cereal for breakfast every morning.

Yeah right. So tell me, Sougo, is it really true that Santa Claus' elves stole my mayonnaise-dabbled breakfast because I "was naughty this year" when I clearly heard you whisper, "I hope Hijikata-san dies from starvation"?

Of course, I can no longer hold my temper, so I explode like a volcano. "You brat! We both know that's a lie! I was about to grab my money out of my pocket before you launched that thing!" I immediately fist my hands and aim for Sougo.

Left. He slides to the right. Right. He slides to the left, and I hit nothing but air. His shoulder. He walks a step backwards and ducks. I attempt to trip him by swiftly forming a half circle under his feet. He skips and crisscrosses over my foot. Damn it, is he performing the Cha Cha Slide?

"Toushi! Sougo! What happened to this vending machine?!" Kondo's here. Great, maybe he'll actually punish Sougo this time.

"Kondo-san! Hijikata-san was bullying me. He even tried to slash me into pieces with his katana, but he slashed the vending machine instead when I dodged his blows."

Sougo, I was not bullying you! In fact, no one would be insane enough to bully a freaking sadist like you! And how the hell can a short katana make those giant dents on the vending machine?!

"Toushi! How could you?! Do you know how much that vending machine was?! Forty-five thousand yen!" Looks like Sougo's deception skills have prevailed again. Great, damn it. Those damn eyes and that feminine face are a problem.

"But it wasn't me!! It was the King from Planet Sadist and his bazooka! I was only trying to get a snack to eat with my mayo!" I will not lose to your charade, Sougo.

Kondo stares at Sougo, who responds with his fallacious, naïve-seeming eyes. Kondo switches his eyes toward me. Two can play that game, Sougo. I firmly fix my eyes on Kondo's, without a blink or a squint.

Obnoxious birds are chirping. Don't let them distract you, Hijikata. Imagine those birds are Pidgeys or Pidgeottos. They can each use gust and a quick attack to send Sougo to the hospital for a month. Yes, that's right! Go, little Pokémon birdies, go!

A minute passes; Kondo is still vacillating on whether to penalize me or Sougo. Of course, the Pidgeys and Pidgeottos refuse to even fly past the sadist. This silence is really uncomfortable.

"So how are we going to come up with forty-five thousand yen?" I ask to break the tormenting silence.

"We could sell Hijikata-san, and we would only have to earn forty-four thousand, nine-hundred ninety-nine yen," the robotic Sougo offers. He has insulted me again with his taunts, which makes me hate attribute #2 even more.

"Why you—" Prepare yourself Sougo, here comes another knuckle-sandwich.

"Hijikata-san, I'm complimenting you." He raises his hand to halt my plan to tackle him.

"How?" How the hell is that a compliment?

"Unlike other products of low quality, Hijikata-san has the possibility of being purchased for one yen, albeit that chance is only twenty percent," he answers. Those percentages remind me too much of an anime. No, I'm not an anime zealot. How did Sougo even calculate those percentages? Better yet, that's not even a compliment!

"Sadistic idiot! You can't even tell the difference between a compliment and an insult!" I attempt to grab his head in order to scramble it. But he cha-chas backward, continuing his previous dance number. Is he even aware that he's dancing? Obviously not since he doesn't even glance at his feet once.

"I've got it! We will have Yamazaki win this week's Badminton Tournament! I think the prize is over fifty-thousand yen!" Kondo has finally formulated a solution to the dilemma caused by Sougo. This time, I didn't even receive any blame. This must be a good omen.

* * *

Shinsengumi Headquarters 11:31 A.M.

Sougo is sleeping with his eyes hidden by that creepy mask. Compared to the fake eyes sewn on that mask, I must admit that I prefer the sadist's deceiving, less eerie gaze. At least, his eyes appeal to the moe-lovers of the Gintama fans.

Why is he sleeping anyway? He's supposed to be training with his squad!

I attempt to lightly slap his head, but those disturbing eyes imprinted on his mask cause me to put more strength in my light slap. A second later, Sougo peels off his strange mask and sleepily opens his eyes. Damn it, those seemingly naive, dazed eyes completely contradicts his sadism.

He narrows his eyes and furiously kicks me, and I, caught by surprise, am not able to avoid the sudden assault. I land on something very rough with a loud, heavy thud, causing the object beneath me to crack. I quickly stand up to see a broken badminton racket with its strings jutting out in every direction and its handle snapped into two halves.

"Shit! Yamazaki's racket! What are we going to do?! The tournament is at twelve!" I scan the room for something that might solve the situation. Time machine, there must be a time machine around here somewhere. A time machine can reverse any problem.

"Hijikata-san, whatever happens…" Sougo places his hand on my shoulder. What is this? Why is he acting so dramatic? He's not going to shed tears, is he? He looks at me with a smug stare. "It's your fault."

He removes his hand and scurries away as I shriek a resounding "WHAT?!!"

That bastard, he tricked me again. I race against Sougo toward Kondo's room, but the damn trickster reaches the room first.

"I am sorry to interrupt you Kondo-san, but Hijikata-san has damaged Yamazaki's racket." He calmly informs Kondo as if he was only a guiltless bystander and not the brat who just kicked me earlier.

I attempt to emit beams of energy from my eyes to burn Sougo, but no, the sadist remains unharmed.

"That's alright," Kondo assures, putting down his wooden cup of tea. The tea leaves form a single clump near the center. A bad omen. "Yamazaki suggested that I get an extra racket just in case something like this happens. Gin, Shinpachi, and Kagura have offered to buy me a racket in exchange for a few yen. Here they come."

A few seconds later, a few chatters and shouts become audible. The trio enters Kondo's room.

"Here's the racket, Gorilla-san." Gintoki hands Kondo the racket and mutters something about tennis, princes, and badminton.

"Thank you, Yamazaki was right. We need this racket since the original one broke," Kondo explains to the Yorozuya. Not good, here comes the punishment.

I attempt to telepathically communicate with Sougo by giving him a "Beware: Danger Zone!" expression. Sougo, let's leave now before we learn whatever Kondo has stored as our punishment. He slightly nods. Good, I've accomplished telepathic communication.

He stands up to secretly leave the room.

"Sougo, Toushi, wait, don't leave yet," Kondo commands with a small frown as he encloses us in a suffocating embrace that was even more tight and hairy than a gorilla's squeeze.

"What is happening to you two?! Your daily fights are causing damage everywhere! Normally, I wouldn't mind, but your routine is burdening the Shinsengumi! We now not only have to earn forty-five thousand yen, but also, you've ruined Yamazaki's favorite racket!" Kondo is now making me feel queasy as he spins around in circles. I peer toward Kondo's other arm, which is gripping Sougo, who is having the most difficult time maintaining his usual expressionless demeanor.

"Gorilla-san, I have an idea." Thankfully, Kagura has spoken up and caused GorillaHugman13 to liberate us from his Constriction of Doom. All eyes are now fixed upon the young Yato, who is now crouching on the mat wearing a black messy wig, a baggy sweater, and loose blue jeans. And is that eye shadow on her face? Is he attempting to imitate that detective? Again, no, I'm not an otaku. These types of things are known to everyone.

"Kagura-san, why are you wearing those clothes? No…how the hell did you get those clothes?!" Shinpachi questions but he is immediately ignored.

"Why don't we chain Hijikata and Sougo together so they can learn about the lesson of teamwork and trust? Sure they would probably fight each other while they're enchained, but Hijikata can watch Sougo and Sougo can watch Hijikata, right?" Kagura proudly offers her very familiar idea. "Who knows? They might even be friends just like in that manga. Right Gin-san?"

I have a feeling that Kagura or the author is only attempting to attract more boy-love fans to Gintama. After all, this idea is too reminiscent of a certain anime/manga that attracts a large BL-fan base. Oh well, at least I know I'm definitely not Kira, which means that…I'm L? _Light is often uke, then that means I'm the seme since I clearly do not possess any of Kira's characteristics, and just like L has an obsession with sweets, I have an obsession with mayonnaise. Therefore, is Sougo the uke? _What the…how did that even enter my thought process?I don't care about ukes and semes! There's no way in hell! NO! Why am I associating a shounen-ai couple with me and Sougo? There is no way! NO WAY AT ALL! Damn it, the thoughts of BL fangirls are too infectious. Horrible thoughts, horrible thoughts, horrible thoughts…

"Yes. Here are the handcuffs." Gintoki hands the deadly yet familiar metallic object to Kondo and adds, "And here is a black notebook. Courtesy of Gintama and Death Note fans. They bought it from eBay."

That notebook doesn't work, does it? If Sougo gets a hold of that Death Note, who knows how many people he'll kill? Also, he'll probably kill me first and claim that he's "sanitizing the world from corrupt people like Hijikata-san." Not good, maybe I should get a name change or maybe I should just burn it.

"What a fantastic idea! But let's add a little rule. Toushi, Sougo, you are not allowed to use any sort of weapon against each other. Doing so will lengthen the time you are chained to each other." As Kondo chains me to the Prince of Planet Sadist for a lengthy period of irritation and torment, one question remains. It is the one question that will determine if I will at least survive or if I should compose my will right now.

"Will the notebook actually kill the people whose names are written on it?" Shinpachi asks _the_ question.

"No."

Thank the gods. They must be on my side today.

Oi author, what are you planning to do to me?

* * *

**Author's notes:**

Hi, everyone, thanks for reading this chapter! Yay, I get to show Hijikata's point of view!

To Gin:

I'm very very very very sorry. This story is not based on episode 148. This story is an alternate version of my other story, Torture Days, which was written before I watched episode 148, so I had no idea that Hijikata and Okita would be chained together. Ah, I'm terribly sorry. I must have disappointed you. Sorry, sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

If you're going to keep a promise that involves sadism, consider the consequences first.

Everyone's eyes are fixed on the badminton match. Everyone has pursed their mouth, refusing to blink as they firmly fix their gazes on the swinging badmintons and the rapidly flying birdie. Everyone's foreheads are creased. Everyone is wriggling in their seats, filled with the tension and suspense. Everyone except the bored and disinterested Sougo, who is currently fighting the temptation to sleep.

His eyelids are half-closed, with his deadly irises just peaking out from underneath. He wobbles from side to side, still attempting to remain awake. The nearly unconscious brat begins to fall against my arm, which he has mistaken for a pillow. I elbow his ribs, hoping to ward him off. He regains a little bit of concentration and quietly returns to watching the tournament. After a few minutes of listening to the tedious taps and swooshes of the rackets, Sougo starts to drift off to sleep once again. Thus, there is now a heavy burden resting on my shoulder. I bump his head, but after a few seconds, Sougo reverts back to his previous position with a soft creak from the wooden seat.

A schoolgirl sitting in the front row spots us and her gaze wanders towards the gleaming chain. She nudges her friends. Let the chattering commence.

"Hey, isn't that the vice commander of the Shinsengumi?" The schoolgirl points to me.

"Yeah, and why is he chained to that guy?" one of her friends inquires. This question grabs the rest of the audience's attention.

"Hey, the guy he's chained to…isn't that Captain Okita?"

"Why are they chained together?"

"Don't you get it?" Another schoolgirl, glowing with intense enthusiasm rises, from her seat, clasps her hands together, and performs a pirouette. "That's a perfect example of boy love! Two Shinsengumi officers enchained together sharing—"

The girl shrieks in horror as I prepare to unsheathe my sword. The rest of the onlookers gasp. Fortunately (for the impudent schoolgirl), Sougo's ministrations on my arm prevent me from chopping the girl into indiscernible portions. Why the hell is he rubbing my arm? His hand is moving in a circular motion. Does he think he's polishing his bazooka?

"Geez, there's no harm in being tolerant toward a shounen-ai fan girl's fantasies. He doesn't have to kill her. Young men these days…" An old woman is indirectly reprimanding me. How troublesome.

"Damn it, Sougo. Just wake up!" I clutch his collar. He gives me a half-lidded gaze. Damn. Those eyes are like Geass. It has the power to convince anyone to comply with the owner's request.

"Such a heartless man. He's not even letting his partner take a little nap." A few of the onlookers shake their heads. See? Sougo's eyes are Geass! He somehow convinced them to sympathize with him and caused them to regard me as the antagonist!

Defeated, I sigh as I permit Sougo's head to collapse on my shoulder.

I swear, in the name of inventor of mayonnaise, that I will make sure that all of these onlookers will have an even more hellish life than mine. Moreover, I shall remember to add "Kill the witch who gave Sougo his Geass" to my agenda.

Sougo begins to emit relaxed, wispy breaths. What the…Why the hell is my neck starting to feel warm? _Simple. He's breathing against your neck._

What the hell is he doing? Feeling a strange heat rising to my chin, I immediately shove Sougo away from my shoulder, but the sleeper lurches toward me again, with his head settling on my…

Lap.

Now. Why. Does. The sunlight have to perfectly illuminate the face of this brat?

And of course, locks of his hair just happened to be splayed across his cheeks, framing his aesthet—no, DECEPTIVE—features.

_You have to admit that he does remind you of a cherub._ I'm being ridiculous. Cigarette, now. Good, I have one more cigarette in my pocket.

No, absolutely not. This sadist does not even have a modicum of benevolence, so the possibility of him being similar to some sort of winged celestial being is zero, zilch, NONE_._

"Die, Hijikata-san, die," the still sleeping Sougo whispers as I light the cigarette.

Need I say more? As I said before and as I will continue say, this brat is the King of Planet Sadist.

Sougo gives a sinister smile. "Farewell, Hijikata-san." He's obviously still dreaming about torturing me.

Something very diminutive approaches the slumbering sadist, and as it advances closer towards Sougo's forehead, the almost unnoticeable figure becomes more recognizable. It's obviously an insect. I squint to observe the creature further. Transparent wings perpendicular to an elongated body and compound eyes.

It's definitely a dragonfly, but why is it roaming around during the winter?

The extraordinary insect crawls past Sougo's cheekbones, treading towards its true destination: the tip of the sleeper's nose. Once it reaches it accomplishes its mission, it slightly waves its wings, brushing the sleeper's skin in the process. The insect readies its legs and departs, causing Sougo to crinkle his nose.

Damn._ I can't deny that that deserves some moe points_, but what am I saying? I'm sure someone else would have thought of that if he was in my position, right? Right?

"Ane-ue."

Sougo's dreaming about Mitsuba?

His lips are then pulled into a small half-grin. Of course, Mitsuba would always be the person who makes Sougo frequently smile. Not even Kondo can get him to give a small smile now…

------

(_Hijikata's Flashback)_

Sougo scurried across the verdant meadow, clutching a jar full of glowing fireflies to his stomach as he enthusiastically followed Kondo. That was our last day before we departed to Edo.

Someone tapped my shoulder. Mitsuba.

That was also the day she confessed. I couldn't understand why she was still communicating with me after I harshly rejected her feelings. But it was Mitsuba, the woman who was patient enough to not abandon a child who was destined to become the living embodiment of sadism.

"Look, I've already told you. I refuse to concern myself with your nonsense." I'm sorry, Mitsuba, I knew I was hurting you, but I couldn't be selfish. I already knew that you couldn't find happiness with me, for countless reasons that I am prohibited to share with you. One of them being that my life would have only endangered you…and the others, I cannot explain because I do not know them myself. I only know that they exist.

Hands planted on the ground, Sougo carefully crawled towards an unsuspecting firefly resting on a leaf. He noiselessly lifted his paw—I mean palm—from the grass and attempted to reach the innocent insect. When the firefly was almost within his fingertips, it immediately leaped from the leaf. Sougo childishly frowned, but he soon cheered joyfully when Kondo enclosed his hand around the tiny firefly and inserted it into his jar.

"You know…I think he heard our conversation from before," Mitsuba whispered before laughing quietly. "He was shouting 'Die, Hijikata, die' and 'I'll eradicate all of the mayonnaise in this planet after I erase all traces of his existence' nonstop before Kondo-san finally barged into his room to ease his mind…"

She paused.

"And probably to prevent him from murdering me in my sleep?" I suggested as a half-joke.

She chuckled. "That too."

"It's alright, I already knew he heard us. He doesn't exactly suit the role of espionage, you know?" Anyone could hear the noisy rustling from his movements behind that tree.

Sougo scuttled towards a party of fireflies. Some buzzed away from the inquisitive sadist, some simply stayed in their positions, and the rest swarmed upon his hair. In an instant, he brushed the radiant insects from his head and stuffed them into his lantern-like jar. His eyes glinted with vibrancy as he observed the mesmerizing light produced by the fireflies.

"Toushiro-san, why are you hiding from Sou-chan and Kondo-san?"

I hesitated for a moment because I did not know how to respond. What I was doing there at that moment is a fact that I'll probably never know. All I remember is that I did not want Sougo to see me after I harshly rejected Mitsuba's confession because he would have probably attempted to murder me. However, why I hid behind a tree and stayed to watch the two's game of firefly-catching was and is still beyond me.

"Sougo would probably kill me if he saw me." I scratched the back of my neck.

"Well, yes, he probably would." She nodded in agreement. "But why did you choose to stay here? Aren't you in more danger of being seen?"

"Actually, I was just passing by. I wasn't planning to stay here at all," I lied as I hurriedly brushed the traces of soil from my kimono.

Mitsuba laughed and whispered, "There's no need to lie, Toushiro-san."

"I'm not lying," I insisted, still attempting to remove the dirt smeared on my clothing.

She smiled in response. "Sou-chan's like a wonderwall to you, isn't he? That's why you rejected my confession and chose to stay here to watch Sougo and Kondo-san."

"No. I've already told you. I just can't be bothered by your affairs," I muttered with all the insensitivity I could muster. Again, I'm sorry Mitsuba. "What the heck is a wonderwall anyway?"

"Toushiro-san, no need to be so cold." She laughed and added, "You clearly need to listen to more music."

I narrowed my eyes in perplexity. "A samurai doesn't have enough time to listen to his iPod."

Again, what the hell is a wonderwall?

Kondo stated something to Sougo, whose response was an adamant headshake. Clearly, whatever Kondo suggested to Sougo was not acceptable to the little imp. Kondo poked Sougo's jar of fireflies. Sougo immediately held the jar close to his chest and placed his chin on top of the lid. Kondo was suggesting that the jar should be opened to release the fireflies.

"I wonder if I should tell you…" Mitsuba rubbed her chin, carefully pondering on her words. She clapped her hands together and shook her head. "No, it's much more exciting if I don't reveal anything to you."

I grumbled, "Mitsuba, I didn't know you're a sadist too."

"I'm not. I just think this is better for you two." She grinned.

"'You two'?"

"You and Sou-chan."

"So you're not only hiding something from me, but you're hiding something from Sougo as well?"

She nodded.

"Why?"

"It's more exciting this way." She switched her gaze to something past me. I followed her eyes' direction.

Sougo persistently refused to liberate the fireflies. Kondo grasped part of the jar with one hand and attempted to pull the jar from Sougo's chest, but the obstinate sadist only clutched it tighter and pressed his chin onto the lid with more force.

"Say, Toushiro-san, will you promise me something?" Mitsuba sounded solemn.

"It depends. As long as it isn't something absurd."

"It involves Sou-chan."

"Then it must be something absurd."

"I would like you to take care of Sougo." She apparently chose to ignore my precondition and kneeled on the ground to pick up something: a dragonfly.

"Don't worry too much about him. He'll be able to handle himself in Edo. He doesn't need a babysitter." Who would want to be sadist's nanny anyway?

"That's not what I mean. I mean to take care of him after I leave."

"After you leave?" You can't mean…

Mitsuba simply nodded. She closely examined the dragonfly on her finger. The insect flapped its wings like a propeller, wishing to entertain the observer.

"Fine, it's a promise."

Mitsuba lifted her finger to stir the resting dragonfly, which sped toward Sougo and Kondo's direction.

Kondo gripped two sides of the jar and pried it from the tenacious Sougo, whose reaction was a childish glare. But soon, this glare turned into a pair entranced eyes when Kondo opened the jar's lid, letting the fireflies escape and scatter throughout the meadow like brilliant confetti.

Then, he smiled.

I blinked a few times to make sure that ridiculous particles, such as Disney-enhanced powder or some sort of magical sand, weren't misleading my vision.

Sougo was still smiling. It wasn't even an impish grin. It was a true, naïve, childlike smile. Sougo, who had completed his conversion to sadism at that time, was smiling like an innocent child. Not like a sadist at all!

"Remember to make him smile, Toushiro-san. After all, even sadists have to smile once in a while." Mitsuba, why the heck did you have to rhyme?

But Mitsuba, that was definitely the last time I saw this kid give a full, authentic smile.

It's impossible to make him smile now.

------

"Ane-ue!" the sleeping Sougo whispers, his eyelids tightly scrunched. "Ane-ue…"

Damn it, Sougo. Don't tell me you're having a nightmare.

"Ane-ue!" he reiterates. There's a hint of despair this time.

I shake his shoulders. He scrunches his eyelids tighter, whispering "Ane-ue."

Not good.

Standing up, I clutch his collar and vigorously yank it, hoping to disturb him from his slumber.

He squints, his sleepy eyes still quite dazed. If Sougo's always going to wake up like this, I think I'd rather have him wear the eye mask because even though it's eerie, at least I don't feel as strange as I do now. I think Sougo also has the power to make people feel awkward when he wakes up without an eye mask. Maybe it's a hidden power or something.

_This situation feels awkward but makes me feel so ensconced at the same time._ This situation is definitely odd.

Thankfully, Sougo breaks the silence through his usual monotone. "Hijikata-san, are you planning to poison me through second-hand smoke?"

A thin steam of cigarette smoke is blown by the wind. Bastard, it's not my fault I can't smoke away from you.

I clasp the thick chain to remind him of our predicament. "You lazy sloth! Don't you see this thing?"

"Then maybe Hijikata-san should temporarily abandon his cigarettes until we are no longer bound to one another."

Bound to one another…

Bound to one another?

This comment gains the attention of the audience. Let the torturous chatters commence AGAIN!

Of course, the boy-love fan girl from earlier is giggling with her friends and the old woman who indirectly lectured me.

Well, this is the edge of my temper.

Unsheathing my katana, I growl, "If you people don't divert your eyes in less than two seconds…"

Fortunately, the onlookers return to watching the tournament.

_But there's still the issue of second-hand smoke._

That's right. If this kid gets too sick, I might have to commit seppuku. YES, I might have to commit seppuku for not keeping a promise.

Thus, I soon find myself discarding the cigarette and stomping on it until the smoke vanishes. To make matters more bizarre than before, I soon find myself walking away from the badminton court's sidelines, dragging the enchained sadist with me.

"Hijikata-san, where are you going?" I don't even have turn towards him to perceive the curiosity in his usually deadpan speech.

"To Rofuto."

* * *

Rofuto Store 12:17 P.M.

Upon entering the store, Sougo and I encounter Toujo, who is currently searching for another "sha" thing and more gothic Lolita dresses for Kyuubei. Toujo, you do realize that if you keep buying those dresses, the "sha" thing will always be off, right? You're such a masochist.

Sougo decides to initiate a conversation with the odd man. "Toujo-san, are you here to buy the curtain's "sha" thing?"

Toujo curiously looks at Sougo.

Then, he glances at the chain. Not good, he might make the wrong assumption.

He eyes me carefully. He's definitely going to make the wrong assumption.

He retracts his gaze towards Sougo.

"Ah...I sort of expected this to happen." He has certainly arrived at the wrong conclusion. My prediction was right. He seizes a gothic Lolita dress from a clothing rack and offers it to a puzzled Sougo.

Toujo, ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I HAVE A LOLICON FETISH?

"Just in case you wanted him to—" Before Toujo completes his repulsive comment, I punch him with just enough force to send him back home. Keep your gothic Lolita dress ideas to yourself, Toujo.

Now to solve this issue of second hand smoke, I examine the store's merchandise. Isn't there some type of gum that's chewed by those who wish to limit their smoking? What was it again? Better ask the cashier.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have one of those type of chewing gum that's used by those who want to lessen their smoking?"

The cashier, an old man, gives a kind smile and asks, "What flavor?"

"Do you have mayonnaise?" Sure enough, the old man takes out a large box of mayonnaise-flavored nicotine gum. "How many?"

How long is this chaining period anyway? If it's a month, then… "All of them."

Sougo spots the box of nicotine, and he points to it with a question mark written across his facial expression.

"I am not committing seppuku just because you can't handle cigarette smoke," I churlishly grumble, taking the box from the cashier in exchange for some yen.

"Hijikata-san, do you mind if we buy some lotion as well?"

Why do we need to buy lotion?

The old man grins almost mischievously as he hands something to Sougo.

And that something is a lubricant.

The chain, the lotion, the lubricant…

Now, my entire face feels overwhelmingly warm. _The chain and the lotion and the lubricant are all innuendos, you know._

"Hijikata-san, why is your face so red?"

Sougo, don't you understand the connotation behind "chain," "lotion," and "lubricant"? Do you really not understand? Or is this another part of some twisted plan of yours?

* * *

To the readers:

Yay, this chapter is finally finished! Hmm, I don't like the title of this chapter, so I might change it later.

Before I end this notice, I just have to add that some of the sentences are in italics in order to convey the fact that some of Hijikata's thoughts are still foreign to him. Eventually, the number of thoughts that are in italics will be lessened in order to express his growing acceptance of said thoughts.

Thanks for reading Chapter 2!


	3. Chapter 3

To the readers:

I've decided to place some of Hijikata's thoughts in parentheses instead of italicizing them.

I would also like to say that I do not own the idea of "seductive clothes rustling." This idea belongs to keyascribe, the author of _Artistic License_, _Ten Steps to Breakdown or Breakthrough_, and _Swords, Sakura, & Mayonnaise_. Furthermore, I got the idea of inserting Pokemon allusions from innersexy's _Fun with Okita_.

I really hope that you'll enjoy this chapter.

* * *

Chapter 3

If one is chained to a sadist, one shouldn't expect peaceful flashbacks and uninterrupted inner mind theaters.

Now why does my face feel so warm? (It could be the fact that he's holding something that's enticing me.) Sougo unscrews the lotion bottle's cap.

My promise was only to take care of Sougo, so why—

"Hijikata-san, why is your face so red?" Sougo reiterates in a drone.

Sougo, what are you plotting now? "Sougo, why. . ." His eyes are filled with curiosity, and an odd lump inexplicably forms in my throat. (Why?) "Why did you need to buy that lotion and why did you accept that?"

"Ah, Hijikata-san, I have an itch on my wrist because of these handcuffs, so I need both the lotion and the lubricant to heal my wrist and prevent further itching." He taps the bottom of one of the bottles, and the liquid trickles down to his agitated wrist. Great, everything is becoming even more suggestive now. Then, a copious amount of lubricant seeps through the metal chain (which triggers more desire).

"Ah, I see…" What's happening to me? Sougo doesn't seem to be pernicious at the moment, so why am I being such a…(pervert?) No, why am I entering the cave of inappropriate thoughts?

-----

_Hijikata's Flashback_

"Get rid of that!" A volatile Sougo stomped and splashed on the water, frantically gesturing to my head? My stomach? I couldn't understand what the hell he was pointing to.

"What? What could possibly be wrong with your demented mind?" I stared at his steaming face for a second before I added, "No, I forgot that you can't answer that since you don't even realize that you're abnormal."

"Idiot!" He splashed more water toward me. "I'm talking about that!" He poked my arm.

I looked at my arm, curious about what he found so revolting. However, I did not find anything strange, and Sougo continued to diligently jab my arm, yelling "Get rid of this!" like a madman . . . or a mad would-be-sadist.

"What's wrong with you now?" I snatched my arm away from the eccentric child's incessant finger.

"Why is it that your arm is so . . . so . . ." Sougo sighed in frustration as he resigned his hand and clutched his own arm. Then, in an almost inaudible voice, he quietly murmured, "It's not fair. Kondo-san mentioned that only true men get arms like that, and you're not even close to being considered a man."

I felt my eyes twitching. Sougo was only a kid at that time, so I restrained myself from decapitating him. (Plus, he was scrubbing himself like a precious little Hamtaro)

Now where did that parenthetical statement come from? That's definitely not mine!

I found my hands suddenly aiming for Sougo's arm, without a trace of anger in my mind. (Maybe I subconsciously wanted to comfort the kid? Maybe it was the fact that he was so akin to Pikachu at that moment?) OR, parenthetical statements aside, maybe it was the fact that he was glaring at my arm, and I wanted to avoid another one of his assaults by taking the offensive first.

As expected, Sougo's defensive reaction kicked in, and he immediately heaved a tide of water upon my open eyes, and—

-----

"Hijikata-san, why was your face so flushed earlier?" I should have expected that Sougo would abruptly end my flashback.

Great, now how can I explain the innuendos behind the chain, the lotion, and the lubricant to a sadist who doesn't even see the hidden meanings? More importantly, how can I explain these things to a sadist who has attempted to assassinate me a thousand times without seeming perverted? I'll have to think of a lie. "Err…the sun is giving me a little bit of skin rash…" I'm doomed. Even Sadaharu could have come up with a better lie than that. Why didn't I just woof?

"Hijikata-san, the sun cannot give you a skin rash during the winter. You were having filthy fantasies about Ane-ue, weren't you?" He takes out his bazooka from heaven knows where and prepares to launch it.

"No, Sougo! That's—"

Well, on an interesting note, he did figure out what kind of thoughts I was having, but his guess on the focus of the thoughts is most definitely off.

Beep, beep. Time to duck!

"Off with your head, Necrophile-san." And he says this in the most charming monotone before he launches his bazooka.

"Toushi! Sougo! What happened now?" Kondo steps between Sougo and me while rubbing a fist-marked forehead. The shining banner on the edifice in front of us reveals that I should have expected an injured Kondo, whose damages can be traced back to his number one stalkee, Otae Shimura.

"Hijikata-san was having wild fantasies about Ane-ue so I felt that it was necessary to punish him." He waves the smoke from his bazooka away and shrugs one of his shoulders with his signature relaxed demeanor.

Damn idiot.

"Sougo! I was not having any sort of fantasies about her and you do realize that you've just extended this chaining period, right?!"

A glint appears in Kondo's eyes as a metaphoric light bulb pops above his head. "Ah, Toushi, thank you for reminding me. Your time together has been extended to twenty-one days or if you prefer to look at it this way...three weeks." I don't even want to try to understand why I should prefer one of those perspectives.

"Huh? You two are an item now? Easy on Sougo now, Hijikata." I look away from my smiling commander to find that the source of this new voice is from them seemingly benign Otae "-chan." Don't grimace now, Toushi, or you'll get a week's worth of pain.

And don't blush subconsciously either! There's nothing to be flustered about.

Otae suppresses her giggles when she examines the chain, and points to my cheeks. She mouths "You're red because of him, aren't you?"

Damn, just ignore her. Ignore her and the fact that Sougo is applying more of the lotion on his wrist.

* * *

12:43 P.M. Shinsengumi Headquarters

"Hijikata-san, wake up, we have to change our clothes." That's the first thing I hear before I realize that I'm back at headquarters. What the hell? We were just in front of Otae's club! Now, I'm in a bedroom with Sougo (alone, with one single futon).

Scratching my head and wiping the sleep from my eyes—hell maybe I'll get some sense—I push on the floor, attempting to rise. One by one, I unbutton my jacket, but the process of clothing removal doesn't get very far once I pull off one of the sleeves, causing the Thing That I Detest The Most In the Entire World to lunge toward me, with its brown mop of hair landing on my chest. Any boy-love fan girl would probably find this moment scream-worthy.

"Hijikata-san, are you planning to injure my head?" the thing called Sougo murmurs against my chest.

"No, I was trying to take off my jacket but this chain keeps getting in the way." (Nothing is changing down there, nothing is changing down there. What the— I SAID NOTHING IS CHANGING DOWN THERE). Unfortunately, my own body is not cooperative.

"Hijikata-san, why don't we just wait for Kondo-san to come with the key?" Sougo brushes past a very critical point in my body, (creating the most wonderful friction), as the bastard attempts to stand up. Unfortunately, one of Sougo's feet becomes out of character and clumsy when it accidentally slides on the entangled chain, and of course, it's now my turn seem like the aggressive pouncer as I, of course accidentally, land on Sougo. (Does this mean I'm the seme?)

Commence the headache-stimulating fan girl screams, please.

"Hijikata-san, please get off me, you're heavy." He wriggles underneath me.

Now at this moment, Fate chooses the best possible opportunity to stab a man's back by letting his own commander enter the room when that man (not the commander) and his sadistic subordinate are in an awkward situation and when that man is only just preparing to stand up to avoid being seen in such an ignominious state. Alas, Fate is a bit of an imp.

"Toushi! Sougo! Sorry I'm late, it's just so hard to leave Otae-san. Toushi, what are you doing to Sougo? Oh, maybe it's better if I leave now, here are the keys! Careful with Sougo now, Toushi!" He tosses the keys to me, and begins to sprint out of the room.

But before Kondo exits and as I unlock the onerous handcuffs, I attempt to regain the pride that I lost (because unlike that guy from Death Note, I would never relinquish my pride). "Kondo-san, I will commit seppuku before I even think of touching this bastard in that way." (And yet, such thoughts have mysteriously penetrated my mind.)

"Kondo-san, this chain just caused us to be placed in this very provocative position. I would never let Necrophile-san molest me."

Damn it, Sougo. I'm not a necrophile. I wasn't even thinking about your sister.

"Ah, sorry, I just thought…haha…I'll just be going now, make sure to put the handcuffs back on before you sleep. Good night." Kondo hurries out of the room. (Is it just me or did Kondo just sound like a doting mother? But then again, the typical order is "make sure to brush your teeth before you sleep" and the Shinsengumi is a peculiar family, so Kondo is allowed to be a motherly commander. There's no reason to commit seppuku over a motherly commander.)

_I would never let Necrophile-san molest me._

"Sougo, for the last time, I'm not a necrophile. I wasn't thinking about her. It was a skin rash. A SKIN RASH. Now if you don't drop the subject, I'll skin you alive, mince you into tiny pieces, and bury your body parts under this floor."

"Ne, Hijikata-san, won't you be consumed by guilt and eventually confess your crime if you do that?"

My eyes twitch. Damn, he caught on to the Poe allusion.

Sougo starts to peel off his clothes.

Why the hell is he stripping? More importantly, why the hell is he stripping in front of me? And even more importantly, why the hell is he stripping in front of me and all I can do is gawk?

He pokes the buttons out of the holes and lifts off his shirt.

Even the rustles of his clothes are seductive. And that skin…

He tilts his head sideways, as he pulls on one of the kimono sleeves, meticulously adjusting it.

------

_Hijikata's Inner Mind Theatre_

Mind engulfed with salaciousness, I avert my eyes, hoping to control my rising adrenaline and intensifying lust. No, I will slice my head before I even touch that sadist.

"Hijikata-san is red again," _he_ whispers in my ear, his enticing breath sending me into the abyss of potency.

No longer able to contain the frenzy and agitation, I grab the sadist's wrists and haul him to the futon, forcing him on his back and not releasing my grip on his palm. He stares at me, wearing a smug expression that seems to mock me, to taunt me, to convince me, to dare me to succumb to his temptations.

I fondle his cheeks for a second before I lean forward to capture his li—

------

"Hijikata-san, time to relock the handcuffs." Sougo is standing before me, waving his hand in front of me with a bit of confusion stamped on his eyes.

(Figures. This is the second time Sougo has interrupted my thoughts.) No, I'm not complaining about the fact that my haywire mind theater was disrupted.

Come on, Toushi, don't let your mind stray from rationality now. Just lock those handcuffs, sleep on the futon, and he won't suspect a thing. But no, I want to run away, far away from Sougo. (Too bad I can't escape these thoughts). And definitely FAR AWAY from these pervasive parenthetical statements.

(Now be a gentleman, and say good night) For some unknown yet perturbing reason, I reluctantly grunt "Good night."

I find myself covering my head with one of blankets on the futon because Sougo is. . .

Well, to put it this way, Sougo, your arms, your legs, your skin, no your whole body, no not just that.

Well, to put it in an even clearer way, Sougo, you've developed into something far more appealing than what you once considered a true man.

Mitsuba . . . am I betraying you?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Beware of sadistic Hello Kitties because well…they're sadistic.

A pink dragonfly sits on the tatami mat. Perhaps it's indulging in the padding's rice-straw texture or maybe it's just resting. Who knows? It continues to crawl in circles across the mat before it raises its wings and lands on Sougo's eye mask. What's a dragonfly even doing flying around in the middle of winter?

Well, Mister or Miss Dragonfly, just incase you're trying to insinuate something outrageous, I need to make something clear right now. I know I previously complimented Sougo on his appealing sadistic self, and my mind just went off tangent when we were undressing, but don't get me wrong. I don't feel anything for the brat at all. Seeing Sougo undress, strip, expose—no, remove his clothes for the first time in a long while (after I decided that bathing in my assassin's presence was not exactly a bright idea) just surprised me. That's all, so go away, and take your absurd notions with you.

The dragonfly silently leaves the room through the window, but I can _almost _swear that it just shook its head and giggled as it exited, swiftly flapping its wings.

"Sougo, Toushi, are you awake?"

Yes, that's all, you bizarre pink dragonfly. Who would dare consider being infatuated, much less being in love, with this kid anyway? I don't even think he's human. No human would constantly pursue the assassination of a single person as if his whole life depends on that one goal, no human parallels his sadism, no human can hide his mendacity as well as Prince Sadist, and no human can surpass his level of his treachery. No, he's not human.

"Toushi, you're dazing off."

He's a sadistic robot with a monotone voice program. I bet his bazooka is built inside his body, and that's how I never see where he hides his bazooka.

"Toushi, are you okay? You're not sick, are you?"

No, that's a bit far fetched. His physique doesn't even resemble a robot. Maybe—

"Toushi!"

Water stings my eyes. I glance at the most likely culprit, Sougo, but it seems that he didn't expect that water assault either as unpeels his eye mask.

"Toushi, Sougo, I have a job for you two." It seems that Kondo, who's eagerly swinging a water bucket, is the culprit. I want to demand the reason behind the water assault, but the gleeful commander immediately runs down the hallway, seemingly excited about something…something that hints more burdensome antics. He returns with a bulging suitcase and unzips it.

I can feel my eyes protruding from my sockets. "Kondo-san, are those cosplay clothes?!" I know that what I'm seeing right now isn't an illusion, but I do wish it is. The entire bag is filled with various cosplay dresses! How did Kondo get a hold of these things? On second thought, I'd rather not know.

Sougo rummages through the suitcase. What the heck is he doing?! He picks up a gothic Lolita dress with frills, satin ribbons, ruffled cuffs, an elaborately-designed apron and why am I paying attention to its details? "Ne, Hijikata-san, I think this would suit you very well. This will really accentuate your feminine side." Sougo parades the dress before me, holding it by the collar. I stare at the dress, I stare at Sougo. Actually, Sougo should consider wearing the dress since it would look great on him, and why am I even picturing Sougo in that dress?

"Sougo, that dress is perfect for you! Here's a pair of cat ears. Now, go change!" Apparently, Kondo and I were thinking along the same line. I willingly offer Kondo the key to unlock the handcuffs, and as Kondo pushes a confused Sougo into a separate room, with his hands clutching the dress, I can't help but smirk out of revenge. It's now Sougo's turn to be tortured.

"Now, as for you Toushi…" Looks like I'm going to be tortured, too.

I hastily reach for my sword. "No, Kondo-san, I'm prepared to commit seppuku before you order me to wear a dress."

Kondo stops me from unsheathing my sword. "But it's for the Shogun, Toushi!" With much enthusiasm, Kondo extends a PINK ballroom dress to me.

I keep my arms to my side and form tight fists, refusing to accept the extravagant PINK dress. "Kondo-san, what kind of mission for the Shogun is so important that it requires a man to wear a ballroom dress?"

Let's not forget that it's PINK!

"Hmm, you're right! A ballroom dress is too much for a mission like this!" Kondo drops the ball gown and searches through the pile of cosplay dresses in the suitcase. He selects a new ensemble: a cream shirt with puffy sleeves, layered with a PINK jumper dress and a huge ribbon.

I sigh, smacking my forehead. "Kondo-san, why is this mission so important?"

Kondo places the dress aside and with a serious mien, he answers, "Because it's for the Shogun and because we're the Shinsengumi."

And immediately, I understand.

To fail the Shogun can mean failure for our Shinsengumi.

I nod. "Alright, just not that dress. It's too short."

Smiling, Kondo eagerly filters through the suitcase. This time he doesn't choose a dress. It's now a PINK schoolgirl uniform with a small PINK ribbon and a PINK skirt.

At last, my tolerance explodes. "WHY DO YOU KEEP CHOOSING PINK?"

"Toushi, you have to respect this color. Only real men wear pink, you know. Now try it on." He throws the uniform onto my waving protesting arms.

I groan in defeat.

* * *

A few minutes later…

Kondo scrutinizes me in the pink uniform. "You…you look…you look like…" He places one of his hands on his chin for a second, uncertain about how he should describe me.

A heavy tension encloses the room.

"You look like a man in a schoolgirl uniform." Kondo wears an apologetic look. "But it's just my opinion, and—"

I shake my head and raise my hand, implying that there was no need for an apology. I'm actually relieved that my masculinity is still preserved even with this uniform.

"Kondo-san, it's not your fault that not all men are feminine enough to pull off a woman's outfit."

"You're right. We'll have to think of another costume for you." Kondo searches the bottom of the suitcase. He pauses in his rummaging with a manic gleam in his irises. "This will perfectly match Sougo's dress, and I think you'll look great in this one!" He extracts a black suit, a tuxedo to be specific, from the suit case.

* * *

Several seconds later…

"Why does it feel like something horrible is about to happen?" I grumble to myself as I fix the black tie and smooth out the collar.

"Nonsense! You look great! Nothing can go wrong!" There's a wide Chesire cat grin implanted on Kondo's face. It seems a bit too wide. "Here, put this on." With that same suspicious grin, he throws a pair of cat ears to me.

It's for the Shogun and the Shinsengumi, so just wear the damn cat ears. I let my eyes linger on the furry pair of cat ears for a moment before grunting in defeat and attaching them.

A door slides open with a creak. "Kondo-san, will you please help me attach these ears?" Sougo sashays into the room, the Lolita dress swishing as he saunters to Kondo. Sparkles are gleaming in his eyes and around his dress, and roses have miraculously surrounded him. Where did Sougo suddenly get the sparkles and roses? (This is only an illusion, right?)

Kondo's hand brushes Sougo's hair as the pair of cat ears is attached. (Hey, Sougo, why don't you let me attach those ears?) More sparkles and roses encircle Sougo as he turns to me, and damn it, I can't say anything when those stupid compelling eyes are staring at me. However, I'm glad that my lips are glued shut because do I really want to shout "MOE"?

Just look away, Toushi, just look away. I manage to tear my gaze from Sougo and force my eyes on the tatami mat.

"Now Toushi, Sougo, your mission is to attend a _Loveless_ cosplay event in which cat ears and costumes are essential in order to blend in with the crowd. The shogun will be attending the event as well, and he has requested you to be his bodyguards just in case someone plans to attack him."

Great, I'm going to be stuck in a cosplay convention, chained to this sadistic Hello Kitty, and I don't even know what this _Loveless_ thing is. It's probably a really depressing anime. Why else does it have that name, and why do we need to wear these ridiculous cat ears? Wait, _Loveless_ and cat ears? Is it that boy-love anime with cat people roaming about? The one where people shed their cat ears when they lose their virginity? What the hell did I just agree to?

"Kondo-san, can't we just wear our uniforms?" Sougo asks, raising a good point, but still probably not aware of his own predicament.

"No, the Shogun thinks that the presence of Shinsengumi members might pose fear to the people attending the event, so you need to pretend that you're only coming because you want to attend the event, not because you need to guard the Shogun." Kondo locks the handcuffs, placing the key in his pocket. "Got it?"

I nod, still forcing myself to somehow find the patterns on the tatami mat intriguing. Why is the Shogun even attending this event?

Kondo gives us a shove, breaking my concentration on the floor and causing my ears to sense a peculiar warmth as I get another glimpse of the Sadistic (Yet Sexy) Princess. Kondo laughs. "Now off you go! Good luck, you two!"

* * *

**Author's notes**

To Scarabrough:

Thank you so much for being honest with me about the references to other anime because I initially feared that I would not successfully imitate Sorachi's humorous allusions to numerous anime. I understand that you want me to remove all of the anime references, but I'm afraid that I can only partly fulfill your request because I still wish to try echoing Sorachi's comical allusions in order to capture that Gintama flavor. Plus, I cannot remove all of the references since this story is an alternate version of my other story, Torture Days, which contains numerous anime references. However, I shall make sure to limit the number of anime references as much as possible, and I shall strive to make these references more humorous so that they're not bothersome.

To the readers:

Thanks for reading this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama, Death Note, Pokemon, Samurai Warriors, or Loveless. I also don't own the idea of using "sparkles and roses" to portray overpowering beauty. This idea belongs to shoujo animes? I'm not really sure. Moreover, the "twinkling eyes" idea does not belong to me. It is from Chapter 19 of keyascribe's _Swords, Sakura & Mayonnaise_.

Chapter 5

Your assassin's cat ears are NOT meant to be removed.

12:09 P.M. Loveless Cosplay Event

Sougo tugs on the chain, demanding me to face him and his dress and his sparkles and his roses. "Ne, Hijikata-san, how should we protect Shogun-sama without appearing like we're supposed to?"

I restrain my mind from concocting another inner mind film. "I don't know. We can just keep an eye on Shogun-sama while we chat with the people here. Do you know anything about the _Loveless_ anime or manga?" HA! _I_ wish I didn't know about it at all!

Sougo shakes his head, his hair delicately whipping his cheeks, and of course, the sparkles pick the most convenient moment to appear on his eyelashes.

"Oi you two, why are you here?" Good, I'm glad these three are here to offer some distractions. But why are they here? They're _Loveless_ fans?

Sougo turns to the Yorozuyas. "We're supposed to protect the Shogun while pretending like we're just attending the cosplay event." Damn, doesn't this idiot (also known as my number one princess)—ignore that—know how to keep his trap shut? (It _is_ shut! I just can't open it.)

That's it! Sparkles or not…"What the hell are you doing, bastard?! You shouldn't say that where everyone can hear you!" I lift him up by his collar, and attempt to give him the most deadliest— but damn, why are his eyes twinkling now? Shit, he's not going to cry, is he? Sougo rarely cries, so why would he do that now?

"S-sorry, Hi-Hijikata-san." Sougo's voice sounds so fragile. Damn, I can't hurt this kid. (I can't hurt him. It's just because of the promise, right?) I release my grip on his collar, and I focus on the hundreds of outlandish cosplayers holding _Loveless_ souvenirs to avoid paying attention to Sougo's antics. But I swear I think I just heard the brat murmur "Just as planned." Pay him no mind, pay him no mind.

Many passing fans are pointing to the handcuffs and giggling. A _Loveless_ fan-girl even shouts an admittedly mortifying question to me: "So I suppose the guy who's wearing the dress is your Sacrifice?" I pretend to ignore her, but she ignores the fact that I'm pretending to ignore her. "He probably receives all of the pain for you, huh?"

At this precise moment, a familiar purple-haired ninja emerges from behind a "Welcome to the Loveless Winter Cosplay Convention, where everyone will be loved" banner and excitedly swings down, heading for Gintoki. "Gin-san! I'll be your Sacrifice! I'll absorb all of that pain!" Sakata responds by dodging the woman, who collides with a billboard, while he continues to converse about _Loveless _with Sougo, who appears to not have noticed the gliding female ninja and clutches his skirt as though it's only being blown by a simple strong wind.

Sakata sips the last of strawberry shake in his hand. "Those who no longer have the animal features are differentiated by society as "adults" who've lost their virginity, illustrating an underlying theme about sexuality in society." Looks like I've jumped into the wrong part of their conversation.

"You plagiarized that from Wikipedia!" Four Eyes points to Sakata and rubs his forehead in frustration. Looks like it's true that plagiarism pervades everyone's conscience now.

The Yato stops chewing a meat bun and senses fear from Shinpachi's words. "Citation! Citation! Cite or someone will sue us, and we won't get to buy that large onigiri or the beef for sukiyaki!"

Gintoki yields to their whims. "Parentheses quotation mark Loveless space parentheses Manga parentheses quotation mark parentheses." That's written as ("Loveless (Manga)").

Sougo tilts his head to me as more roses sprout behind him. "Hijikata-san, should we arrest the author if there is no full citation at the end of this chapter?"

"Yes, in Edo, anyone who illegally plagiarizes will be fined at least nine million yen." Should I ask Sougo about the roses? I probably shouldn't since these three don't seem to find the roses and sparkles suspicious. Maybe I'm really hallucinating.

"Hey, Shogun! Surrender now or prepare to fight!" A group of samurai and sumo wrestlers have formed at the entrance doors. What? No extremely detailed plots to assassinate anyone? They must be really desperate to capture the Shogun.

Camera crews are now carefully positioning their equipment, making sure that they'll capture the event with the best angle and lighting.

Or maybe Team Samurai Warriors just wants some publicity.

Well, a mission's a mission, so I rush in front of the Shogun, which gains the attention of one of the media crew's spotlights. Still wearing a stoic expression, Sougo shoves me aside with his sword's hilt, refusing to let me bask alone in the limelight. Damn it, Sougo, this isn't the time. (Plus, you don't need these spotlights).

"Oi, pretty lady, you should leave that stupid looking guy and come with us." A wanna-be samurai warrior winks at Sougo. What the… Who the hell are you calling stupid? I'll rip that winking eye out!

A sumo wrestler licks his lips and stretches his knuckles. "Yeah, we could use someone like you for some fun."

No! Sougo doesn't need that type of fun with you because "_He's_ with me." Swords topple to the ground. Pale faces divert their attention to me. Shit! I need a time machine, no, a backspacer! Just backspacing those quotation marks is enough!

Beep, beep. BOOM! Something gray rushes past a few centimeters away from my ear and explodes. Team Samurai Warriors is now covered in ashes and smoke.

It appears that Sougo is carrying his trusty bazooka again. "You sadistic idiot! You just tried to kill me again!" Just act normal, glare, and hope that he didn't hear anything earlier, hope that he didn't hear anything earlier…

"Hijikata-san, that's not true. I made sure that the bullet would miss your extra-large head by three centimeters."

Unbelievable! He didn't hear anything! Looks like fate has sided with me today! But I'll rejoice later. "Oi, Sougo, any suggestions on how to get rid of the big ones?"

The corners of Sougo's lips quirk upwards into a seemingly harmless but actually lethal grin. Not good. He's planning something idiotic again. He walks to the Shogun, and of course, I follow due to curiosity and the fact that I'm chained to him.

Shogun is nodding with the Yorozuyas about something regarding the loss of ears of a _Loveless_ pairing. "Shogun-sama, would you happen to have a bulldozer?" What the hell do we need a bulldozer for? Sougo, don't tell me you're planning something insane. "We need to push the sumo wrestlers out of here."

The Shogun nods his head silently and hands him a key with a yellow plastic bulldozer keychain. I think the whole world has just gone insane.

I think I'd rather flatten the sumo wrestlers with a road roller.

* * *

10:45 P.M. Shinsengumi Headquarters

Sougo unties his ribbon as soon as he slides the door open and flings the gothic Lolita dress, along with the supplemented apron, into the nearest laundry basket. I immediately search for one of his kimonos and toss it to him as I instantly focus on a random spot on one of the screen walls. Just look away, look away.

"Hijikata-san, would you please help me get rid of these ears?" (Damn it, he even said "please.") Sougo attempts to yank the ears off, but they remain in place.

-----

_Hijikata's Inner Mind Theater_

Sougo strides towards me and strokes my jaw. Then, he places one of my hands on one of his cat ears. He orders, "Take them off."

Completely entranced, my uncontrollable hands grasps Sougo's shoulders, and my mouth huskily whispers, "Yes, Prince Sadist."

A kimono pools on the tatami mat.

-----

Damn it, my mind keeps conceiving these strange, ridiculous imaginations.

Sougo flicks an eyebrow and silently watches me for a moment. Then, he blinks and steps out of the room. "Fine, I'll just ask Kondo-san."

"Wait! Sougo, Kondo might take that the wrong way!"

No, what am I saying? Kondo's mind is filled with "Otae-san, Otae-san, Otae-san, and even more Otae-san." Besides, why should I care about Sougo and the innuendo behind the cat ears?

It's probably because of that promise.

Mitsuba, my promise is to take care of the brat, right?

Mitsuba, what if I want to try to fulfill a little bit beyond that promise? Would I break the promise itself? Would I lose your trust and his?

Who am I kidding? I don't even have that idiot's trust.

* * *

**Author's notes:**

To the readers:

Thank you for reading this chapter! Also, please forgive me for mentioning the sparkles and roses too much, but I have to portray Hijikata's yet-to-realize admiration for Sougo in this fan fiction.

Here's the MLA citation for the part that I quoted from Wikipedia:

"Loveless (manga)." Wikipedia. 6 Jan. 2009. Wikimedia Foundation. 10 Jan. 2009

http://en(dot)wikipedia(dot)org/wiki/Loveless_(manga).


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

With great silence comes great anxiety.

Shinsengumi Headquarters 2 A.M.

A dragonfly spins around the ceiling lamp, mutely flapping its wings, as Sougo sleeps, facing the opposite side of the room without the cat ears this time.

It has been two damn days since Kondo has chained me to Sougo. Two damn days and already, I've probably taken that promise a little too seriously and a little too far. Two damn days of mind-warping torment. To make matters worse, I've learned some damn not-so-positive yet not-so-negative things involving Sougo.

1. He doesn't notice the innuendos behind some situations when said innuendos are already so explicit that even that an alien dog can detect them.

2. For some reason I can't quite comprehend, sparkles and roses mysteriously appeared when Sougo wore that dress.

3. My mind has mysteriously welcomed the premier of The Sadist and I movies.

4. And this deserves the I Must Commit Seppuku Award: I think I've become infatuated with my personal assassin.

Damn it. Of all people, why Sougo? He doesn't even remind me of mayonnaise! He's not fluffy and white at all. He's Prince Sadist, he wants to assassinate me so that he can take my position, he hates me, and hell, he's even Mitsuba's kid brother.

The dragonfly stops zooming around the lamp, lands on the floor, and zigzags to form a "W."

'"_Look, I've already told you. I refuse to concern myself with your nonsense.' Mitsuba, I already knew that you couldn't find happiness with me, for countless reasons that I can't share with you. One of them being that my life would have only endangered you…and the others, I cannot explain them to you because I do not know them myself."_

"_Sou-chan's like a wonderwall to you, isn't he?"_

_Here's a question for you:_

_Could one of those countless reasons be the fact that Sougo's your wonderwall?_

Again, what the hell is a wonderwall? If Mitsuba meant "wall of wonder," like the Great Wall of China, then a wonderwall must be a barrier. But what's the correlation between Sougo and a barrier? None whatsoever. In fact, Sougo would probably destroy any sort of barrier.

This infatuation will never be condoned, and I'm only betraying Mitsuba and hurting Sougo. But this is only an infatuation, and like all infatuations, it's transient and effaceable.

Mitsuba, will you forgive me for this infatuation?

Sougo, if you somehow discovered my current dilemma, would you hate me more than you do now?

I have to get rid of this intolerable infatuation.

The dragonfly exudes something like "tsk, tsk, tsk" sounds before it flies and careens toward my forehead. That's it. This dragonfly has continuously tried my patience, so I attempt to swat it with my hand, but it escapes and silently leaves the room.

Amazing, a dragonfly just made me slap my own head.

9:02 A.M. Shinsengumi Headquarters

If I act as normally as possible, it might be easier to get rid of this infatuation, and Sougo will never suspect a thing.

I grab my sword and use it to prod the sleeping Sougo. "Oi, lazy imp, wake up. It's our turn to patrol the city."

Sougo twists in the futon and reaches for his eye-mask. Whatever you do, don't look at his eyes.

Several stomps occur before a screen door is opened and in pops Kondo, who proudly gazes at us with his wide grin. "Toushi! Sougo! I need you to patrol the carnival for me today."

Why does Kondo want us to run his errands again? "Kondo-san, isn't that your job today? What's wrong?"

To this, Kondo quickly (a bit too quickly, I might add) answers, "Nothing, nothing, it's not something you would be willing to know. Thank you for complying with my request. Good bye and try to have fun!"

Just as I can find my will to protest, Kondo bolts out the door. Come back here! Don't make us run your errands!

Sougo, why didn't you say anything? I shoot him a glance, but he averts his eyes away from me. I expect another one of his acerbic comments but to my astonishment, he doesn't say anything and only grabs his jacket.

* * *

10:32 A.M. Edo Carnival

Something's off. Sougo hasn't made a single asinine comment. In fact he hasn't said anything at all. What's even more off is Sougo's not suggesting anything insane, and his nonsense is usually amplified whenever he's in a carnival. No "Hijikata-san, let's ride on the Ferris Wheel" and this idea's accompanied mutters of "Then you'll be mysteriously pushed out of the glass door a hundred meters off the ground by a very vindictive ghost" or a "Hijikata-san, I forgot my wallet, could you please buy me fifty cotton candies?" or a "Hijikata-san, can those very intriguing horses trample upon people, even vice commanders like you? If they can, they must be powerful. May I ride on one of them?"

No, Sougo's just examining the carnival and inspecting each booth for a couple of seconds like a—dare I say it—a normal person. A normal, silent person. A normal, silent person that's not Sougo. This person chained to me can't be Sougo. He's too quiet. This person is a clone, and if this is a clone, where's the real Sougo? A vacation in Planet Sadist?

I scrutinize the Sougo replica closer. Lackadaisical expression: Check. Correct Tone of Hair Color: Check. Eyes: Check.

No, I'm the one who's being an idiot this time. This is clearly Sougo. A normal, silent Sougo. But why the hell is being so silent?

Sougo slams to a halt like he's been instantly turned into stone. He's looking at a seemingly innocuous booth: just a few bottles waiting to be tipped over for a prize. But the word "seemingly" is an important modifier because the prizes happen to be dolls of Shinsengumi members. Who…who the hell made these dolls? Were these dolls made by stalkers? Even the doll modeled after me is somehow detailed and accurate enough to be convenient for Sougo's voodoo rituals!

Sougo searches his pockets for coins. No, Sougo, you're not going to have that doll. I yank him away from the booth. Then, in a formulated authoritative voice, I declare, "Sougo, you are not going to play at that booth. Stop taking your work so lightly or I'll take away your bazooka."

He doesn't respond and just looks at me as if he really isn't planning on winning one of those dolls to torture me until he receives the position of Vice Commander. It won't work, Sougo. And why aren't you still talking? You're supposed to protest against my authority, you're supposed to "unintentionally" knock my head onto the ground, you're supposed to sharpen your sword while walking but "unintentionally" trip and almost slice my arm. You're not supposed to be silent and compliant.

Communication, communication. I need make you talk, or else, I won't know if you're planning something, and this chapter won't have enough dialogue from you. "I don't understand why Kondo-san would even bother to make sure that there's someone patrolling the carnival."

I look out of the corner of my eyes, but Sougo shows no odd reaction. He's only trailing after me. He doesn't even look like he's plotting, and he looks more robotic than his usual self. "Not many people would dare to disrupt carnival and if there was someone who was stupid enough to do such a horrid thing, the number of people could probably handle any problem anyway. What do you think, Sougo?"

Damn it. Still no usual monotone. Not even a shrug.

My hands precariously clench his collar. "Oi, Sougo, answer me you damn sadistic imbecile!" Why won't you talk?

A veil draws across his eyes as he turns away.

Shit. Don't tell me he knows. No, he can't possibly know. I've hidden everything so well, so what the hell could be ticking off this kid so much?

"Sougo," I pause. I don't know what to say. Maybe this is the right time to be silent as well? No, this must be done. "I don't know what I've done wrong or if you're hiding something from me, but whatever it is, don't forget that aside from your sister and Kondo-san, I consider myself as your first friend."

Or maybe you do understand what's going on, Sougo. But whatever the hell's happening to you…

"I'm sorry." About this infatuation, about everything.

His eyelids flutter with disbelief written across his entire expression like I had just refused a bottle of mayonnaise. But he still doesn't talk.

Damn it, Sougo, what the hell is the matter with you? I yank the chain and march to the booth with the Shinsengumi dolls. I drop some coins on the counter. "One set, please." I look up at the booth director. It's Madao: Many Absurd Duties And Occupations.

His "cool" sunglasses droop for a second, revealing startled eyes and arched eyebrows, before he hands me a loaded toy gun.

Sougo is inspecting his shoes and the pebbles on the ground, not even aware of what I'm about to do. I curl my fingers around the trigger and shoot, shoot, shoot. All of the bottles subside to the plastic bullets and I point to the Hijikata doll.

Madao mumbles "Young egos these days" before he plucks the doll from the hanging prizes.

I snatch the doll and shove it into Sougo's arms. There's a momentary flicker of bewilderment in his eyes as he looks at me.

I want to take back the doll, I know he's going to use it to torture me, I want to take it back and return the thing. But I don't, and why? Because of the almost imperceptible bliss on his mien as he inadvertently holds the doll to his chest. Almost as if he's cradling it.

There's a series of "Ahem" coughs from Madao. "Here." He laughs loudly as he hands me something: a Sougo doll. Great. Just what I need. More suggestive moments.

Quick! Stash it away before Real Sougo sees his mini-self and asks any questions! But it's too late. Real Sougo's already closely studying the doll in my hands.

However, oddly enough, he doesn't ask any questions and only squints in suspicion.

* * *

11:50 P.M. Shinsengumi Headquarters

Loud clinks and a steady hum of the Mission Impossible theme song are heard from another room as I smooth out the futon. Musn't pay attention to Sougo, mustn't pay attention to Sougo. Garnering all of my attention away from the sounds of plastic cups, bottles, and boxes colliding with the floor, I unfold my blanket and use all of my willpower to ignore Sougo's antics.

Wait a second. Those cups, bottles, and boxes could mean…

I throw off the blanket and skid to the source of the crashes: my room. With much anticipation, I cautiously open the door as the humming comes to an end. Apparently, a battle has taken place here, and my poor boxes of mayonnaise are now lying on the battleground, defeated. The perpetrator stands victorious among the beaten.

"Hijikata-san, before you make any conclusions, I would just like to say that I was only trying to search for your favorite brand of mayonnaise, but when I pulled out one of the boxes from above your cabinet, all of your mayo fell down." Sougo scratches his now mayo-splashed head and almost indistinctly murmurs "Mayo gone. Mission accomplished."

"Idiot." You could have been buried by those boxes because of your stupid antics!

Sougo wipes a trail of mayonnaise from his cheeks and attempts to brush off the remaining substance from his clothing.

Yet, Sougo is still covered in blotches of mayonnaise, and now, I'm suddenly aware of the danger I'm in. And that danger is mayonnaise on Sougo, mayonnaise on Sougo, "Mayonnaise on Sougo."

"What was that, Hijikata-san?"

My hands impulsively secure around his waist, and I can't resist pulling him closer and inhaling his scent and taking a sample of the mayonnaise on his neck and tasting more of this ravishing delight. My fingers slide across his chest and glide lower and—

I open my eyes and blink. There is no sign of fallen mayonnaise and no trace of mayonnaise on Sougo. In fact, Sougo's sleeping with his eye-mask on.

I'm not even sure if that was a mind theater or a dream, but what the hell was that just now? Some ludicrous sequel to The Sadist and I?

It's going be more difficult to disengage from this infatuation than I thought.

* * *

To the readers:

Hoho, I'm so jolly! I've finally finished this chapter with only three references. Ah, don't mind my far from moderate excitement. Thank you for reading this chapter! Hey, it's the sixth one, and you're still here, so thank you very much.


	7. Chapter 7

Note: The part that's in past tense is a flashback.

What kind of fish owner would give away his own goldfish?

Day 4- 7:00 A.M. Shinsengumi Headquarters

Second Tactic: Deny the infatuation until you start to believe your own lie.

What infatuation?

"Oi, Sougo, get up, I am not wasting my day-off sleeping in this room."

Mustn't remember about anything about that "mayonnaise on the sadist" fiasco. Nothing ever happened. I'm not infatuated with Sougo, not infatuated, not infatuated, not infatuated with the brat at all.

"Hijikata-san, the reason that I was so quiet yesterday is because…" Sougo as he rises from the futon. What the hell? He's suddenly talking now? "Is because I've grown fond of Yamazaki-san."

Rewind?  
"Is because I've grown fond of Yamazaki-san."

Rewind.  
"Because I've grown fond of Yamazaki-san."

"I've grown fond of Yamazaki-san."

I don't care, I don't give a damn. It's Sougo's business, not mine. Not my business at all. "So the king of Planet Sadist has a heart after all, huh?" That's right, I'm not affected at all, you damn sadist!

"Yes, Hijikata, now can we spend the day with Yamazaki-kun? Great. Let's go." Sougo walks briskly out of the room, stretching the chain and dragging me along with him.

Yamazaki-KUN? Since when did he suddenly grow an attachment to that insipid badminton player?

Is it the badminton? Is it Yamazaki's plain character? What could possibly have made Sougo attracted to that plain punk? This is just my curiosity speaking to me. It doesn't mean I'm still infatuated with the sadist. I was never infatuated with him in the first place.

* * *

7:31 A.M. Outside the Shinsengumi Headquarters

As usual, instead of polishing his spying skills, Yamazaki is playing badminton when Sougo and I reach the training area. BADMINTON! I almost want to decapitate the idiot, if not for Sougo's preposterous plans with him for today.

"Yamazaki-san, could you teach me how to play badminton?"

Now why does Sougo want to play badminton? Is this his attempt to get closer to his "Yamazaki-kun"?

Yamazaki looks just as surprised as I am as he lowers his racket and unintentionally drops the birdie. "Y-yes, C-captain Okita."

And so, Sougo has his so-called romantic moment with Yamazaki as the idiotic badminton fan teaches the sadist how to swing a racket.

But of course, even during his so-called romantic moment, Sougo would never forget to "accidentally" jab me on the head with the so-called romantic racket from his damn Yamazaki-so called-kun.

"Sorry, Hijikata-san, I didn't mean to damage your gigantic head."

Sougo never fails to be a sadist. "Oi, Sougo, I am not your target practice! You know very well that we're chained! You should have—"

"Hijikata-san, I told you. It was an accident. Perhaps you're just in an awful mood because you haven't eaten anything since breakfast." Sougo just looks at me impassively and turns to Yamazaki. "Shall we head to Rofuto to buy some food for Hijikata-san? Yamazaki-san, you should come with us too."

I'm not even hungry! Why the hell are you using food to drag me along to your little plans with the damn Jimi?

Curse these chains. And again, no, I'm not infatuated with this brat at all.

"Of course, Captain Okita." Yamazaki follows us.

And no, I'm not jealous of the stupid Jimi.

* * *

8:07 A.M. Rofuto

Sougo opens the door to Rofuto and looks at today's centerpiece of the whole store: a pyramid of pocky boxes.

"Good morning to you three." A saleswoman who's wearing too much lipstick and mascara approaches us. "Those pockies are on sale for only 200 yen, and they are excellent for pocky games. I am assuming that you already know what a pocky game is, right?" The woman winks, suggestively closing her thick-lashed eye lids.

Back off, woman! I'm not affiliated with these two. I feel compelled to state this, but I force myself to just quickly nod to ward off the woman and her hints of BL pocky game.

I glance at Sougo for a second, expecting him to threaten the woman for even suggesting pocky games between Shinsengumi members. Yet, he doesn't even unsheathe his sword. Instead, he shakes his head as a reply to the woman's question. Is he serious? He doesn't know what a pocky game is? This better not be one of his heinous schemes.

"Oh, you poor thing!" The woman shakes her head as if she's showing her sympathies for a lost puppy. The only thing wrong with her reaction is that Sougo is definitely not a lost puppy. "Why don't one of you teach your friend how to play the pocky game?" She leaves us to welcome the newly arrived customers.

Thanks, good suggestion. We'll call you later if we decide to take it, meaning never!

Sougo picks a pocky box from the pyramid. "Yamazaki-san, would you please teach me how to play a game with this pocky?"

Apparently, Sougo has decided to take the woman's suggestion. Sougo, do you realize what will happen if you play that game with Yamazaki? Is this some part of your scheme to be closer to the jimi?

"C-captain Okita, I don't think that I should be the one to teach you. I think Vice Commander—"

I immediately conjure up my most pernicious "This will be the last second of your life if you suggest anything that will make me play the pocky game with Sougo" expression before Yamazaki finishes his sentence.

Yamazaki takes the hint and selects a pocky from Sougo's box. "We must each eat the pocky from one end and whoever takes their mouth off the pocky first loses. However, if both of us keep eating the pocky until it's gone…" Yamazaki can't seem to find the right words to continue. He's aware of the typical conclusion, and he doesn't seem to like the idea of finishing a pocky game with Sougo.

"No one loses and you two end up kiss-kiss," Sakata finishes Yamazaki's sentence. What the hell? Has he been listening to the whole conversation?

Kagura appears from another aisle and mulls over her past memories. "Ah, the beauty of young love and pocky sticks!" What's this Yato talking about? Oi, stop talking like an old man!

"Oi! Aren't we here to pick up a couple of those pocky sticks for Otose?!" The straight boy with an extra pair of eyes is here, too? Just how long has the Yorozuya been here?

"Shh, never interrupt the beauty of young man love and pocky sticks!" Sakata's eyes dart to the ceiling and gazes into the distance. There's no such thing as beauty in pocky sticks!

"Please start the game, you two. Or shall I count for you? On the count of three…"

"One."

Placing one of the pocky's ends between his teeth, Yamazaki offers the _chocolate-covered end_ to Sougo. Damn it, I don't care. Go on with your pocky sticks and man love. I could care less about your nonsense.

I'm leaving, good-bye. I start to walk away, but something prevents me from escaping this stupid scene, and that inconvenience would be the chain. Great, I have to witness the jimi and the sadist's pocky game.

"Two."

Sougo observes me for a moment before his lips settle on the pocky. Is this another part of Sougo's plan to torment me?

"Three! Go!"

Sougo and Yamazaki start to take little bites of the pocky. I don't care how this will end. I don't care if Sougo wants to be closer to Yamazaki. It's his choice, not mine.

"Oogushi-kun, do you really want to lose your goldfish?"

I want to smack Sakata's damn perm for once again referring to me by that stupid misnomer, but I know that doing so would reveal the truth: I can hear him and I can understand the cretinous symbolism in his comment.

"Oogushi-kun, you've had that goldfish with you for a long time, and you're just going to let it go?"

Kagura points an accusing finger to me. "Oogushi-kun, what kind of fish owner are you?" She abruptly straightens her back and taps her chin. Her eyes roam around the store for a second before she notices a pile of video cameras for sale.

As more customers enter Rofuto, Sakata waves his hands and comports himself with an advertiser's charisma and formality. "Ah welcome everyone! Are you here to witness the beauty of Pocky Love?"

A few yens drop on a glass counter before Kagura steps in front of the gathering customers, holding a video camera. "We're selling videos of this special moment for only 1,000 yen!"

Shinpachi steps between his fellow Yorozuyas. "Oi! Otose's pocky boxes! And where did you find that video camera? Did you even pay for that?"

To this, Sakata grumbles to Shinpachi out of the corner of his mouth, "Jis iz for Oogush-kun. E eeds to emember iz ast oment wuth iz oldfis." (This is for Oogushi-kun. He needs to remember his last moment with his goldfish.)

"Hey, why is that man chained to one of the guys eating the pocky?"

"Is this supposed to be a shounen-ai love triangle?"

This situation does look weird. Two men are chewing on a pocky stick, and another man is chained to one of them.

No, this isn't a shounen-ai love triangle, and there are no "green eyes of envy" here. It's not my concern, I'm not Oogushi-kun, no one needs a video of this pocky game, and Sougo is not my damn goldfish!

"Look, only an inch left!"

I'm not affected by this at all. I'm not even infatuated with Sougo, so why should I be affected by this?

Perhaps there's a correlation between Sougo forming a relationship with Yamazaki and the Shinsengumi? Yes, there's a correlation! If Sougo and Yamazaki form a relationship, Yamazaki would barely have enough time to play badminton, resulting in more tension for Yamazaki, which would lead to his poor performance as a spy, which would increase the chances of failing many of our missions, which could become trouble for all of us!

No, I'm not fabricating some fallacies. I'm not hiding any jealousy. I'm merely concerned about the Shinsengumi and Edo.

And because of that noble concern, I yank Sougo away from the almost finished piece of pocky stick before my goldfish—I mean before the sadist even completes his pocky game.

* * *

9:32 A.M. Shinsengumi Headquarters

"Hijikata-san, why did you do that?"

Why? It's for the Shinsengumi. It's also for Sougo's own good. "Yamazaki will not be a good partner for you."

"Why? I think we're a perfect match."

Time to explain the consequences of forming that "perfect" match. "Since Yamazaki is in love with his badminton racket and you're a sadist, you will probably destroy the racket on a daily basis, and…" I pause for a second to choose my words. "Yamazaki will never be a successful badminton player, and he would be too busy mourning for his racket to spy for the Shinsengumi."

No, I'm not jealous of your little pocky game.

* * *

_(Inner mind theater)_

"Hijikata-san, I can hear your thoughts out loud."

I turn to the source of the voice. It's Sougo, and why the hell is he dancing around a pocky stick. And what the hell? The pocky is enormous!

"Hijikata-san, were you imagining me dancing around this stick?" Sougo collects some of the chocolate in a cup and drinks it. "Or this?" The chocolate dribbles down his chin, and he wipes some of the substance with his tongue.

"No, I wasn't imagining any of that!"

He raises his eyebrows.

* * *

"And no! I wasn't thinking of you dancing seductively around a pole-size pocky stick!"

There are no signs of the nightmarish pocky stick, and Sougo's looking at me like I've just expressed a part of my mind theater out loud. When Sougo continues to stare at me and the heavy silence remains, I realize that I've indeed exposed a part of mind theater. Not good.

"My, my. Hijikata-san has an overactive imagination. I was never going to say that." Sougo's wearing his smug expression again. (But something's not quite right here.)

"S-shut up. Anyone could have pictured that in their mind." Damn it, that isn't even a decent lie.

"You're right, Hijikata-san."

Sougo bought the lie? Maybe he just finds the situation too awkward to talk about? Maybe he really does believe that anyone can picture such a thing? No, that's not possible, is it?

Whatever, as long as I'm out of this situation. "Good. Now let me rest. The ridiculousness of Pocky and young love is too much for a man like me."

Yes, that's it. All of this is just simply ridiculous.

* * *

"Hijikata, I don't want to stay here! I want to go home and see Ane-ue!" A child's voice echoed throughout the empty dojo. Sougo was wandering back and forth around the place, jumping at the sound of thunder.

I had no idea what I should have done right away. I didn't expect him to be so scared of thunder because he was the nine-year old that could have sent many of the men to the infirmary if Kondo and his sister didn't force him to keep his temper. As Sougo rounded the dojo, I couldn't help but feel responsible for not ignoring his taunts to fight him. I should have known better. After all, he was nine. Now he was here, thunder scaring him half to death. He was trapped; he couldn't go home because it was too dangerous yet staying here seemed perilous to him, too.

I wanted to console him, but how exactly did you console a nine-year old? How did you console someone like Sougo?

"Okita-senpai, calm down, we can't go home. We have to stay here because it's not safe to walk home in this type of weather. Don't worry, tomorrow, we can go home and you can see your sister."

He recoiled at another snap of thunder.

With frightened eyes, he started to skitter around the dojo, as if the thunder was still hunting him down.

Snap. Crack. Boom! A scream. Sougo wildly rushed around the room again, but he tripped.

But I wrapped my arms around him before he fell. It was the only thing that I could have done.

Sougo tried to twist out of my grasp, but I knew that if I allowed him to escape, he would continue to panic, so I drew him closer.

"Hijikata, let me go!"

But as always, I defied the nine-year old's protests. "Senpai, listen to me! You don't have to be scared of thunder!"

And as always, Sougo denied his fears: "I'm not scared, let me go!"

I kept my grip, and out of impulse and instinct, I ran my hand through his hair. "Look. Just pretend that thunder is just one of those war weapons that go 'Boom!'" His shivers lessened as he listened to me. "I think those were called bazookas. They're really great long-range weapons, and they produce the same sound as thunder. You can pretend that you're using a bazooka when you hear thunder."

* * *

That was the day I introduced Sougo to bazookas, and that was the last time he was ever afraid of thunder.

A dragonfly is resting on Sougo's forehead as he sleeps. And it's the same dragonfly from before.

_That was also the first time I ever had Sougo that close to me, and it will probably be the last, too._


End file.
